Saturday’s Memoirs: Adventures in Bad Online Dates — Mr. Hands

  • Posted on: April 23rd, 2011 by

By Thesinglemomsdatingdiary

We’ve all watched one too many movies, you know the ones I mean – the ones where the boy meets girl, they fall madly in love at first sight and they walk happily off into the sunset. Of course something wacky happens to make it difficult for them to be together, but basically they knew they had met their soulmate the first time they laid eyes on each other. Ya, ok reality check… if that happened very often none of us would be single and trollin around online looking for love.

I don’t know about you, but when I’m getting ready for a first date, I’m fighting that little fantasy chick flick playing in my head just as hard as I’m battling the urge to cancel and spend the night having a threesome with Ben & Jerry.

This man and I met on a site where we were matched up on a zillion different levels, so after exchanging a few emails, I was excited to finally talk on the phone. Once we did, I was even more eager because the conversation went so well. I didn’t hang up and go skipping around Bed Bath and Beyond with a scanner registering for wedding presents or anything, but I was optimistic about meeting him.

He was a college professor and the caring dad of two boys. We talked a lot about compatibility issues and he seemed sincere about wanting to find a relationship. When the subject of sex came up, he agreed that if we clicked that it was best to wait a few dates for it. So far, so good.

I dressed very feminine for the date, a long pink skirt, white blouse and high heels. I was looking forward to meeting him and spent quite a lot of time getting ready. He seemed to like softer details, skirts and long curly hair, makeup and fingernail polish. It was kind of fun getting ready and making myself up for a date, wondering how it would be, thinking of what we would talk about.

He picked the Japanese restaurant near my house. We met on a gorgeous, sunny and warm evening. I had the top of my convertible off and it was an enjoyable drive to meet him.

When I arrived, he was waiting for me. I knew to look for the grey BMW in the parking lot. He waited inside until I pulled into the vacant space next to him. He looked just like his picture, tall, dark skin and dark hair. He was cute and dressed nicely. So, he didn’t pull the bait and switch game by posting a picture from 1986, he looked just as I expected.

We went inside and he was a gentleman about making sure I was comfortable and that he listened well. He asked a lot of questions and seemed to like or agree with basically everything I said. The conversation was going well; it was a give and take of ideas and beliefs. There weren’t a lot of things that we didn’t agree about and the conversation flowed smoothly.

He ordered a steak dish and I ordered the less expensive chicken. When our meals came, we were lost in conversation and getting along really well. We playfully tried using our chopsticks and laughed as we kept dropping our food before it got to our mouths. Dinner was fun, through the laughs and the chit chat we talked intellectually, spiritually and our senses of humor were alike. All was good, really. I could feel a little spark of chemistry, and the evening was going well.

When the bill came, I insisted on paying for my dinner however he wouldn’t hear of it. I didn’t want there to be any feelings of owing him, but the night was going so well that I didn’t think twice about it. Since it was a beautiful night and we were having a great time, we decided to go to a nearby park and take a walk. We decided to drive my car, since he’d never been in a convertible before, so I agreed. We both got in the car and he kissed me in the parking lot. The kiss was nice, but his hand going up my skirt 10 seconds into the kiss was NOT.

I pushed his hand off of me and he made an apology and said something about being caught up in the moment and he promised to behave himself. The park we were going to walk around was mostly flat, there were no “inspiration point” places to sneak off and make out and besides, it was still light out so, I wasn’t concerned.

We began walking around the lake on this beautiful summer evening, hand in hand watching the sunset. (Here was the sunset part of my chick flick…) Everything was going well until he spotted a little bench area and suggested that we sit down for a few minutes. He started kissing me and before long, I felt his hand going up my skirt between my thighs, right there in broad daylight in front of God and everybody. It was like he was a baseball player, he hit the ball and ran right for third base, skipping first and second. He was going right for it and it was extremely embarrassing being that we were out in public.

I stood up and started walking off, him following me apologizing. I was walking back towards the car quickly, while he was spewing his apologies. We got back to my car and I promptly drove him back to his car. While we were sitting there, he asked if he could just talk to me a little more. I parked strategically under a light in the parking lot and gave him a chance to redeem himself.

I know this is going to be shocking, but he tried mauling me again. I had to push him off of me and literally kicked him out of my car. As soon as he shut the door, I drove off quickly so he couldn’t follow me. A few minutes down the road, he called my cell phone. I picked up expecting an apology. No, not so much. I was shocked when he said, “Well that was our first date and since we didn’t have sex, how about you come over to my place now and we have a second date.” Was he serious? Sadly, yes.

So that was my date with Mr. Hands. Oh, I’ve dated lots of Mr. Hands before and since, but ya not as many who were as obnoxious as this one.




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About Jennifer

Jennifer Kelton

Jennifer Kelton CEO / founder Badonlinedates.com LLC is a Los Angeles native and a pioneer in the worldwide dating industry, investigating the game of love while providing encouragement and support since 2007, starting with the acclaimed dating book Don’t Use My Sweater like a Towel. An accomplished CEO, visionary and entrepreneur, Kelton’s work in the […]

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