Tuesday’s Topic: Using Her for Sex

By WisdomIsMisery

I’m never quite sure how to feel when a woman claims a man is “using” her for sex, since both parties are active participants. How does a woman feel used when she made a conscious decision to have sex? Of course, unlike most women, men have the innate ability to have sex without any significant emotional connection. Therefore, if a man is using you for sex it is likely he doesn’t feel anything at all.

Even in these instances, women have told me honesty is the best policy. However, few women are comfortable maintaining a relationship based strictly on sex into perpetuity. The types of women that are only exist in Hollywood movies, men’s fantasies and New York City. Thus, if a man only wants sex there are two viable options: tell the truth or tell the lie.

The Truth. As the word implies, in this scenario the man is honest about his true intentions. A relationship with this man is usually predicated with some form of the phrase, “I’m not looking for a serious commitment.” Whenever a man uses any variation of this slogan, what he really means is: I’m not looking for a serious commitment, but I’m perfectly willing to still have sex with you.

Just because a man is honest does not mean he cares. Truthfully, he may care less than the lying man we will discuss later. In an ironic twist of events, it is easier for some men to tell the truth when they don’t care about the consequences. In other words, if there’s a woman you can’t see yourself in a relationship with but you can see yourself in bed with, telling her as much is a high risk, high reward strategy. At worst, you’ll offend her. At best, she accepts and now you’ve gotten exactly what you wanted; sex sans the relationship. How does he feel about it?

Mission. Accomplished.

The Lie. We all consciously know a lie is the opposite of the truth. Even with this in mind, lies sound sweeter to us because they embody what we want to hear instead of what we need to know.

When a man lies to get sex, pretty much every word coming out of his mouth is intentionally designed to increase the odds he will get what he wants, while simultaneously making you believe you’re an equal benefactor. To lie is actually the easier and more effective of the two strategies.

Simply put, lying men remove the opportunity for women to make a fully educated decision about his true intentions. He acts as both the source and the filter of information. As any psychologist worth his weight in psych books will tell you, in the absence of facts, people make them up. This is why lying to someone who wants to believe you is easy. In our case, men only have to supply enough information to cause women to hope for more. She fills in the details for us. By any means necessary, sex is obtained. How does he feel about it?

Mission. Accomplished.

  • ArtNMotion

    Wow, I like this. I think you should listen to Marsha Ambrosius Some Type of Way and that may give you a lil insight on why many women get to a point where it begins to matter and they feel used. It can be a multitude of actions, words, spoken or not that we as women see/hear that gets us to a point where we feel used. Mostly because, we can’t interupt the feelings we have as just lust, somehow we think its love and push when we should really be pulling away. Anyway I tried to post the link to the song.But it won’t add. So go to youtube and look it up. Of course its just “one” way of looking at a similar situation. (Note:I am using “we” loosely don’t want to speak for ALL women but I know there are at least a dozen whom have felt this way.)

  • Great post. I am trying to be a honest person. When I met a girl I tend to let her know of my true intentions – I can tell you guys, I don’t high success ratio, but I can tell within 5 minutes of talking with some girl if there is a potential of taking it to the next level. It works pretty good for me.

  • Soooo, you’re saying the best way to know if a man is using you for sex is basically:

    If he’s having sex with you, he’s using you for sex.


    iKeed, iJoke, iMeanitalittle

  • While that is a safe assumption, it is not what I said. What I am saying is if a man HAS made the decision to use you for sex, he has two options to go about achieving his goal – and those are to either lie to your or tell you the truth.

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About Jennifer

Jennifer Kelton

Jennifer Kelton CEO / founder Badonlinedates.com LLC is a Los Angeles native and a pioneer in the worldwide dating industry, investigating the game of love while providing encouragement and support since 2007, starting with the acclaimed dating book Don’t Use My Sweater like a Towel. An accomplished CEO, visionary and entrepreneur, Kelton’s work in the […]

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