By Shilo Urban
The summer season is hot and dating makes you even hotter – but does that give anyone the excuse to wear backless pants?
After surviving the style-sucking trend of convertible pants (the ones that zip off at the knee into shorts), now the dating populace must face pants whose schizophrenia goes in a brand new direction.
Created by designer Raul Lopez for his “Luar Zepol” fashion line, backless pants are the clothing equivalent of a mullet – business up front and party in the back. With built-in air conditioning, these pants are convenient and comfortable for the hottest days, and men may choose them to wear on dates, when the pressure is up and the heat is on.
From the front, your date will look like he is wearing normal business pants with a stylish and slender fit.
From behind however – your date’s outfit turns into an S&M-inspired pair of booty shorts that hit right below the family jewels. Several black straps hold the pants on to the back of the legs, and the excess material is rolled up into a pouch on the bum (because everyone wants some added mass on that area).
Backless pants are particularly devious because at first glance, you will think your date is normal, perhaps even classy with the smooth grey lines and soft texture of his pants. You might meet “Backless Pants Guy” at a bar or club and not even realize at first that his two buttocks are only a few inches away from total exposure.
If this guy would have walked up to you wearing short shorts, you would have probably immediately written him off as an immature hipster still living off his parents, a wayward beach bum in the wrong place or perhaps just a pervert. But his secret mullet pants tricked you – and now you are chatting up a man who likes to show the back of his thighs to the world.
Even worse, your date might show up to your door wearing these pants in their unconverted state – with the back flaps down, they almost look like normal slacks. You hop in car, hit up a restaurant, and then go to the club for some dancing – and that’s when your date lets loose by rolling up the back of his pants and getting jiggy to Beyonce in booty shorts. It’s the old switcheroo, and your previously acceptable date has morphed into a strapped short shorts wearer, leaving you standing next to him, mouth open, wondering how to plot your escape from the land of mulleted fashion.
While these backless pants might theoretically be useful for steamy nightclubs where the temperature and humidity resemble the tropics, is there any real-world dating situation where they might be appropriate?
No. No there is not.
First of all, booty shorts on men should be confined to the beach. No one wants to see hairy man thigh in public company. Ever.
Even the gay community, which is usually accepting of avant-garde fashion and wilder new styles – will frown on these pants, whose style leans less towards the cutting-edge and more towards the straight-up FUGLY.
Backless pants do have one important function. It is most certainly not to display any sort of stylistic prowess of the wearer, but rather to indicate that he has serious issues with taste, tends to be a trend whore and probably needs more attention than Lindsay Lohan in an alcohol bracelet. And you are going to need more alcohol than Lindsay Lohan if you wind up with a date who wears backless pants.