By Jesse Finkelstein
So, I’ve never been stood up.
And that’s not me bragging, that’s just the truth. Sadly enough, I’ve gone on a couple of dates where I wish the guy hadn’t shown up. Like the guy who met me at a bar, already drunk, who spent most of the evening either in the bathroom doing cocaine, or talking to me about how ugly my friends were. You sir, are a douchebag.
However, I have heard about this happening to people—mostly the straight people. Gay guys will almost always show up, because it usually means sex, even if the date isn’t good. The only time we really experience being stood up is when we find someone on craigslist at 2 am and we sit there waiting for two hours for that guy to come over, but then we realize they probably just jerked off and went to bed instead, so you do the same. But since my mom reads this, that has never happened to me.
So listen up you silly heterosexuals. If you ever, EVER get stood up, don’t spend one gosh darn second worrying about it. This is absolutely the case of “it’s not you, its them.” If you aren’t worth a 30 second phone call saying you can’t make it, then they aren’t worth even 30 seconds worth of worry.
I mean, seriously? We live in a world where communication is varied and instantaneous. I can text you or email you. If, for some reason I lost your phone number, I can Facebook you, or tweet you—and if you don’t have a smart phone where you can check either of those, then get with the times. Or, and I know this is a really out there maneuver, I can actually call you and speak to you with my voice. Or I can just use that app that records me talking and sends it to you like a text message, because that’s not redundant at all. That was sarcasm, by the way.
My point is, in a world where information and communication is so easily at our fingertips, there really is no valid excuse to stand someone up. Extenuating circumstances aside, of course—if you crash your car while you are on your way to your date, and you break your phone, you might get a get out of jail card. Or if you’re trying to text someone while your peeing and you drop you phone in the toilet—no wait, that just makes you an idiot. Stop peeing and texting people, it’s not safe!
And to anyone who does stand someone up, you are a douchebag. Have some self-respect and let your future ex-girlfriend or boyfriend know that you aren’t showing up. Send a little text if you’re too much of a pussy to say it on the phone. Or you could be like a normal person and come up with some stupid lie to get out of going on your date—you know, something like “oh I have to work late” or “I think I got food poisoning” or “I have explosive diarrhea.” Not that I’ve ever done that. But even that shows more class and dignity then just not showing up, because you know what not showing up makes you?
That’s right, a douchebag.