Hey there… listen… Those, um, past twenty minutes were great and all—kind of. But I’m really tired right now and I have to be at work super early tomorrow morning. And I’m not a morning person. I’m more of a sleep person. A sleeps-better-without-a-semi-stranger-in-her-bed-sort-of-person.
Eh, no, I’m not going to “hit the light.” I don’t have a toothbrush you can borrow, and no, you can’t use mine. I know we probably just swapped salvia or whatever other bodily fluids (though not too many because we were smart and used protection!). But the last time I checked, they don’t really have a condom for toothbrushes.
Sorry. I thought this was like, a hook-up sort of thing. Not a slumber-party sort of thing.
I guess I need to just be blunt here: Can you get out of my bed?
…No, unfortunately, I’m not joking. From the perplexed and dumbfounded look on your face, I can tell you’re mildly offended, and that you’re probably going to tell all your friends I’m a total bitch, ‘cause that’s what some guys tend to do when they feel rejected.
I know that this has “never happened to you before.” And I’m a chick, so you’re assuming that I inherently want to cuddle, and that my ultimate goal is to get you to fall in love with me, and to be my husband, and spooning all night and waking up next to one another in the morning is just the first step to reeling you in. After all, a study done this earlier this year says that thirty five percent of long-term relationships started with one-night stands.
(That same study also says that women and men are noticeably expressing some traits typically attributed the opposite sex now, like men are quicker to fall in love and to want children than women and women value independence in relationships more than men. Anyway!)
It’s not that you’re not a swell guy or that you have absolutely no husband potential. What this comes down to is that sleep is personal. It seems ironic, but sleep can be more intimate than sex. I’m helpless when I’m asleep. My body is paralyzed. So maybe I’ve been watching too many sleep documentaries. But it’s true.
Even if you don’t end up being some strange psycho who attempts to photograph me or slip it in again while I’m passed out (that’s called “rape” by the way), what if you have some weird sleepy-time quirk like being The Loudest Snorer Ever and thus, disrupting me as I try to lay my weary head down, making my following day a total drag? I’d feel tempted to kick you out at 4 o’clock in the morning. And neither of us want that… right?
So, sorry, dude. I realize you’ve gotten comfortable. If it’s not that late though (and it really isn’t), please don’t take it to heart that I want a really good night’s sleep—alone. Maybe one day, we can soberly share this intimate time they call “sleep” together. For now, though, please get out of my bed.