Tragically, as I’ve gotten older I’ve developed this pesky little thing some of you might know as a conscience. Back in the day, I was able to have sexual relations with women by any means necessary. I lied. I cheated. I lied and cheated. I was selfish. I was prosperous. Life was good!
I don’t know where things went wrong but as I got older I started thinking of people outside of myself. I know, disgusting right. I can no longer implement the trade secrets of the self-centered asshole I used to know and love. I realize now my actions have consequences. I believe a woman finally breaking my heart instead of me breaking hers jump started this personal transformation. I realized having someone lie to your face and toy with your emotions hurts. That said I still have needs, and by “needs” I mean sometimes I want to have sex with no strings attached. Does that make me a bad person? You know what; don’t answer that.
Therein lies the rub, how do I have sex with a woman with no strings attached without hurting her feelings or even worse, having her develop feelings for me? In fact why the two – sex and feelings that is – are related still baffles me but I digress.
Women will argue that they want the truth, which ever man knows is obviously completely untrue. While it’s possible I could tell a woman I only want sex from her, no more, no less, the odds are not in my favor that she will greet my compliment with the same level of joyful affirmation in which I deliver it. Frankly, it’s easier to pretend the relationship is going somewhere even if the relationship is going nowhere. Besides, it takes two to tango. Is it my fault she assumes the tango will lead to more than sore limbs, matted hair and relative exhaustion? Technically, no. We both got what we wanted except she wants us to be committed dance partners while I would rather see who else is on the dance floor.
Maybe I’m getting too old to have sex-based relationships. I should be progressing beyond this phase of my life. At least that is what women my age tell me. Aren’t we supposed to not succumb to peer pressure though?
Except for the passionate periods when she’s making me feel good, I do feel bad you know. What is more important, satisfying the physical or the emotional? I guess that depends on when you ask me. During the act, I feel great. Afterwards, I feel guilty as she lay in my arms daydreaming of the future while I am perfectly content living in the present.
You see, it’s not that I’m faking to like her just for sex. It’s that I’m faking to like her for more than sex. This doesn’t mean I dislike her, but it does mean I don’t like her enough to desire more. I know the relationship isn’t going to progress beyond the physical, yet I often fail to share this information, unless specifically solicited – and why would I?
I have nothing to gain and everything to lose and while I feel guilty for misleading her through my self-implemented vow of silence I find joy in the great casual sex we continue to have, until the invariable, “where is this going?” question arises. I wonder am I guilty for not being forthcoming or is she a coconspirator for not soliciting the whole truth from me? My subconscious finds peace by reminding me that I never lied, I simply didn’t tell the whole truth.