Sex and Dating Advice From a Porn Star – What Happens at Swingers Parties?

  • Posted on: February 20th, 2012 by

By Nina Hartley

Dear Nina,
I’m 30 years old, and have been dating a guy for two months.
We have a great sex life — he recently asked me to go to a swingers party.
Honestly it’s a bit scary — what exactly goes on, are they safe, and what’s expected of me?

Sincerely,
To swing or not to swing?

Dear TSONTW,
Swing parties have come a long way since the 1970s, so everything you think you know about them is likely very out of date. I devote an entire chapter in my book, Nina Hartley’s Guide to Total Sex to swing parties, which you many find helpful.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that women rule the swing world. What gets a woman “slut shamed” (or worse) at a club or bar will, at a swing party, make her the center of attention. Female sexual desire, its exhibition and satisfaction, is the order of the day. So, nothing happens to a person that she doesn’t expressly invite, negotiate or instigate.

Many otherwise monogamous couples frequent swing parties so that the couple may safely flirt and show off with others, with on one getting bent out of shape that she’s being a “tease.” The atmosphere at parties is one of sexual openness and support, be it for a strip tease, making out with another woman, or a man wanting to watch his partner be the hottie he finds her to be.

So think of a swing party as a laboratory just for you to watch, listen, talk and learn about how others navigate stretching the traditional boundaries of relationships and sex.

As to what goes on, it depends on the party, but usually there are places for people to have sex, with safer sex supplies offered. Bring your own, to be sure you have your favorite condoms, etc.

Parties are as safe as your behavior is. It’s common for couples to agree to only have sex with each other (if they have sex at all) for the first party or two, as they find their way. Usually, the simple, exhilarating acts of exhibitionism and voyeurism (“soft swinging”) are enough to fuel months of hot sex afterwards. Let your own enthusiasm be your guide.

All guests are expected to be polite and to act like grownups: no getting drunk, no fighting with one’s date, no touching w/o permission, etc. If someone wants more than you’re comfortable with, a simple, “No, thanks, I’m still new to all of this,” is enough.

Bring a gym bag with a set of comfy, warm clothes. Leave at home all valuables, but bring some cash and your ID. Better to be nervous than to drink to cover it.

It’s important for your guy to share with you what he expects/wants to happen, and for him to know that it probably won’t go down that way. If he’s pushy about it, he’s the wrong guy for you.
Good luck, and have fun!

*Nina Hartley, R.N., is a published author, sex-ed teacher, pleasure advocate, adult entertainer and activist. She lives in LA with her husband, I.S. Levine.




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About Jennifer

Jennifer Kelton

Jennifer Kelton CEO / founder Badonlinedates.com LLC is a Los Angeles native and a pioneer in the worldwide dating industry, investigating the game of love while providing encouragement and support since 2007, starting with the acclaimed dating book Don’t Use My Sweater like a Towel. An accomplished CEO, visionary and entrepreneur, Kelton’s work in the […]

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