Let’s face it, the first date is the most complicated of all the dates. Even the date before deciding when you’re going to have relations is less complicated than the first date! The first date is the gateway drug to all future dates. At least on the relations date you know it will (hopefully) have a happy ending. Of course, by “you know” I mean the women readers know, since men never know when they’re going to get laid. We just hope, pray and put it in God’s hands.
With all the complications surrounding the first date, you’d think it would be almost impossible to turn someone off in the mere few hours it takes to do whatever mundanely original task you came up with to do together. Unfortunately, as many of us have learned over the years, some people are hell bent on turning us off no matter how short a period of time they occupy in our lives. This feat is all the more impressive for a woman considering the fact that as a man the bar for turning me off is literally superman leaps high but some have still managed to leap tall buildings built of turnoffs in a single bound. A few notable scenarios include the following…
You fail to volunteer critical information! Despite all your independent, feministic, equal rights rhetoric you still want a man to decide what you’re going to do on the first date and then pay for said date. Trust me, I don’t get it either gentlemen but it is what it is. If we offer you 10 choices ladies and you know you hate nine of them, please don’t respond, “It doesn’t matter to me.”
I! HATE! THAT!
If it really doesn’t matter, that’s fine (yet rare). I’ll pick one of the 10 and we can enjoy our miserably awkward first date in harmony; however, don’t tell me “yeah, the steak house sounds great!” when you’re secretly a closet vegetarian. Then we have to spend the whole date in awkward silence as I enjoy my medium tenderloin and you nibble on your ranch dipped celery stick in quiet disapproving spite. Stating a preference about what you’d like to do on our first date is different from outright lying – and yes, withholding key information is a lie in my book!
Moving on, let’s say we’ve settled way into our first date activity, which based on your response from above, you may or may not even like, but to spice things up you decide to become…
A mute. That’s right, for whatever reason, you decide our first date is the perfect time to say absolutely nothing at all. How, exactly, can you have nothing to talk about on the first date?! We just met! You literally know nothing about me, yet you can’t manage to entertain a small conversation? Or the conversation you do entertain is nothing but one-word responses and hard-to-interpret facial expressions to questions only initiated by me. You do realize we’re face to face and not texting one another, right? You don’t have the benefit of waiting to come up with clever responses and supplemental emoticons, so please have something to talk about on the first date. However…
This isn’t an inquisition! If by some off chance we start having a good time half way through the date, and you find that you can look past my immature love of meat because you’ve already convinced yourself that you can totally mold me into at least becoming a vegan after a few guilt trips later in the relationship, it’s still a first date!
Don’t turn it into an unsolicited game of 21-questions simply because we’re having a good time and you can see me being the father to your unborn children based off a positive horoscope reading you received on your iPhone earlier in the day. Asking me how many kids I want to have and when I want to get married is not appropriate first date conversation. Please attempt to withhold your insecurities and idiosyncrasies until we are at least acquainted enough to know each other’s middle names. That reminds me…
Hold your liquor! While I enjoy supporting the dead body weight of another human being on my back as much as the next person, getting throw-up and pass-out drunk on the first date is definitely more of a third or fourth date activity. I’m not a college student anymore. Your ability to pound shots to calm your nerves isn’t going to encourage me into getting the check early so we can go back to my dorm room. I’m almost three decades old. You getting drunk isn’t exciting; it’s embarrassing.
I’ll still get the check early, but only because I’m hoping you’ll remain coherent enough not to ruin the interior of my car while still retaining the dexterity needed to navigate the pathway to your front door, alone. I have different priorities at this age and carrying a near passed out woman I barely know through downtown – which yes, I have had to do – is not one of them.
Other than these minor particulars, I think first dates are awesome!
What are some of your first date turn offs or worst first date experiences? Please share in the comments below, so we can laugh with you and certainly not at you.
WisdomIsMisery aka WIM provides objective, yet opinionated, qualitative and quantitative analysis on life, love, and everything in between. As a Scorpio, many women wish death on WIM and some have attempted to hasten its arrival. WIM is not a model, a model citizen, or a role model. See more of WIM on his weekly write-ups for SBM and on Twitter @WisdomIsMisery.