A Man’s POV: How it Makes Me Feel When… She Won’t Date Me Because I’m a Single Dad

Posted on: March 2nd, 2011 by Jennifer

I found her profile on an online dating site. It was amazing. She was hot. Really hot. Four-alarm fire hot. And funny. Successful too. She was almost too good to be true. I re-read the profile again; just to make sure I wasn’t crazy. Nope. Just as amazing as the first time I read it.

I quickly crafted a clever message to her and crossed my fingers as I waited for a reply. With a profile like that I knew she must get dozens (if not hundreds) of messages a day. I was hoping to get a reply, but I wasn’t sure that was even realistic.

She was beautiful and at first glance, wonderful. I was an average looking full-time single dad with a hectic job and a pre-teen daughter. It didn’t seem like a match made in heaven, but I’ve seen stranger things happen. Angelina Jolie married Billy Bob Thornton. If Angelina could marry Billy Bob, I had to believe I had a shot with this woman.

A couple days later my BlackBerry beeped. I had a new e-mail from the dating site and I was beyond excited to see she sent me a message. As I logged on I said a silent prayer. “C’mon God. Hook me up. I totally deserve this.”

“Thanks for the message,” she began. So far so good. “I don’t date guys with kids. Good luck.” I felt like I got junk punched. My heart plummeted into my stomach and I was really bummed. Is this what it felt like to be discriminated against? I didn’t know it was possible to be discriminated against for being a dad. Apparently it is.

I was 40 years old. How many 40-year-old guys have kids? I’m not going to take the time to do in-depth research, but I think its safe to assume that a high percentage of males my age have pro-created. I would also guess that a large number of these men have some sort of regular interaction with their kids.

“Well this sucks,” I thought. I wanted to ask her why, but I needed to take my time and not pop off with a diatribe of four-letter words. I sat and pondered her message for a few moments before sending her a reply.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” I wrote. “I’m kind of curious about something. WHY don’t you date guys with kids? Do you find many guys here who don’t have kids? I won’t bother you again, but if you could take a moment to answer my questions I would totally appreciate it.”

This time I figured for sure I would never hear from her, but 15 minutes later I received another message. I opened it and read her response.

“I don’t date guys with kids because I need to be the focal point of a man’s attention. If he has kids, it takes his attention away from me. I deserve to be taken on nice trips and to nice dinners. That won’t happen if someone has kids. As I said before, good luck.”

Wow. I guess I knew people like her existed, but I never thought I would personally encounter one. I’m a single dad and I’m happy to be one. When I got her first message I was sad. After thinking about it for a few minutes I realized it was her loss. Not mine.

She won’t date me because I’m a single dad? No problem. The right one is out there somewhere, and you know what? She’s going to love me BECAUSE I’m a single dad. When single dads find the right woman, we can absolutely find a spot for her in our lives and we will find the time to take them on nice trips and out to nice dinners. Single dads know how to truly love others. Maybe one day she’ll figure that out. But I doubt it.

Categories: A Mans POV -- How it Makes Me Feel When...
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http://twitter.com/tyronem Tyrone Mitchell

It’s the first time I’ve heard this from a woman. I’ve heard plenty of guys say the same…but clearly, she did you a favor, despite her looks and success, she’ll probably be unhappy forever. Her loss.
http://adayinthelifeofkat.blogspot.com/ Kat

I had a similar experience recently. I met a guy online who seemed to be a great match for me – very similar attitudes and demeaner, etc. I made it clear that I’m at a point in my life where I’m looking for a relationship and not just some hook-up or casual sexual relationship. You know what I got? “I couldn’t enter a relationship with you because my family’s values are against me dating a divorced woman..(with kids)…and I wouldn’t feel right about it but I find you attractive so maybe we could still get together” Huh?! I am a good person with two wonderful kids and one of these days I WILL meet a man who would be honoured to join our little family. He’s out there, I know it……
http://twitter.com/melissacop melissacop

I wouldnt be bitter if I were you. Not that I am a single Dad, or Mom for that matter. I cant have kids. My last boyfriend (of 2 years) left me for his ex because she got jealous (assuming) and wanted to be a whole family again. One of the reasons I loved him was the way he loved his son. To me it showed me that he was a good man. Not saying I wouldnt do it again BUT if you take this perspective into mind I can understand her reasoning. Hell. She was honest at least. She didnt break your heart at best. You didnt hurt her at least and best. It could have been an excuse for not really liking you. Good on her for not stringing you along.
http://twitter.com/nightowlang Angela

Hopefully she’ll figure it out someday. I imagine most of her other dates took off running when they figured out she felt this way.
http://twitter.com/KatWebb84 Kat Webb

My first love took care of his niece like she was his daughter (her mother passed), so I started off dealing with a a single dad. Ultimately, although we discussed marriage, he DIDN’T make time for me in his life. She was very young (under two before we ended it), and, understandably needy. He couldn’t leave. He couldn’t start a family with ME, in NYC. And that ish hurt. Because it seemed like only she was allowed to be needy, while I was supposed to understand constantly getting shafted. And then I felt doubly bad for having anything against a baby. It was just ridiculous.

But I LOVED seeing him be a good dad. I WANTED him to be a good dad. So, even though it meant losing the only guy I ever loved, I moved to NYC, and wished him the best of luck. We talk sometimes…

I’ve dated single dads since, but the children have to be older. Not like babies who constantly have emergencies. Maybe I’m a bad person, but I have needs as well…
flordeliz

She did the right thing! I have no kids and hate when people act as if “only who does understand the love”. Research shows that more than 75% of women who married guys with kids regret it. I met a man with kids and no, I do not think he was are better than other guy cause he was a devoted great father. And yes, it is a pain in the ass not being able to make plans cause he has to do everything around kids schedule, it is a pain in the ass that the single woman has to put a lot of effort to “win” kids he had with other woman. It is awful to have kids hating you cause you “are not mommy”. Being there I see how people judged me and thought I was a selfish bitch, but nobody would see the effort and sacrifice me and other women did to try to make things work. Instead of seeing her as a bad person, see her a honest person who saved herself and yourself on getting in a unhappy relationship. You have kids? You are the best parent ever? Who doesn’t have them do not understand “the real love in life” ? Awesome. Find a single parent as yourself and be happy. At least if people avoid getting married and having kids by their 30s there wouldn’t be so many single parents around as it does today…
http://twitter.com/juliewashere88 Julie

I understand being unhappy with rejection, but do you really have to frame it as if a woman is just an awful person for not choosing you? I don’t date single dads either, for a number of very good reasons which would take too much comment space to write about in depth. I’m not some item on a shelf that any man who asks is entitled to. I have a say in the matter as well. I have things that I find attractive, as well as things that I consider “deal-breakers,” and I deserve to have those.

Have you considered not taking things personally?
ThankGotI’mSterilized

I don’t care about the fancy trips and dinners, but I would never date a man with kids either.

I am childfree. I am able to give all of my love to a man. But if he has kids, I will always be low on his priority list, beneath his children and his baby-mama(s). Also, I’m childfree because I don’t want kids and I like my lifestyle without them. Why should I have to give up my entire life for someone? What happened to compromise? That is not fair to me. Why should I give my everything to a man who doesn’t care about me like I care about him? No thanks.

In any other situation, you’d be saying that such women are respecting themselves by not entering into relationships in which they will be treated unfairly. But because the REASON they’ll be treated unfairly is because you have kids, it’s “discrimination?” Oh, please.

Look, I sympathize with your position. I’m sure it must be hard. I’m sure you’re a nice guy. But be real with yourself. Why would should a woman being willing to spend her whole life in the back seat, being forced to compromise her entire life while you compromise nothing? The fact that the cause of this reality if your children does not change the fact that it is REALITY. No self-respecting woman (or man) would do that to themselves.

It’s not her loss. She was smart. And admitting that would be the mature thing to do. Don’t act like your kids are some minor quibble, like a hair in a bowl of soup. They’re the 900-pound-gorilla in the room that controls everything about your life, and will control everything about the life of any woman you date, at least until they’re on their own.
Honest

You, “fool” must have kids. It’s interesting that people with kids always get their panties in a knot when a person without a child or children won’t date YOU and take on YOUR situation. Hmm…taking a step back, who sounds more selfish? Think about it. Be honest.

I bet this woman with her looks and success is happy she dodged a bullet.