Thursday’s Thoughts From a Bartender: She Won’t Get Off Her Cell Phone
- Posted on: March 3rd, 2011 by Jennifer
By Daniel Ponsky
So let me get this straight. You finally nutted up and asked that sweet piece of fine Georgia peach out for drinks and she said yes. That little sex kitten your always going on about with the flowing locks of black ocean for hair who rocks a crooked naughty school-girl smile for you everytime she pours your latte said yes to you. Congrats playa, you did it.
Now comes the fun part. You take an hour putting yourself together. Your game is strong and needless to say you feel the force in full effect. You arrive at the pre-arranged location, a lounge, early and pony up to the bar for a quick sip of liquid courage before little Ms. Delicious arrives. You call your poison out and reach for your wallet to pay while the bartender whips your cocktail together. Fourteen bucks later and two sips into your drink, you spot her walking through the door and she doesn’t disappoint. She is banging on all cylinders from head to toe turning every head in the room as she makes her way over to you.
You take one last man-sip before she is close enough to stand up and snatch a feel hug hello. Every single man in the room has a stroke cause they see she is taken. The night is yours to own or so you think. You place your glass on the bartop and reach in to squeeze the Charmin,..denied. She is on the phone and has the imperative need to finish the call, or search app, or game or whatever rather than have wrapped it up before she made her entrance. If you feel like you have just been punked by her “excuse me for a second blowoff”, guess what fool, you have. But wait, the night is young and if you think when her A.D.D ass hangs it up that it will be the last time you see that phone and get that kissoff, then boy do you have another thing coming.
Believe it or not, now you gotta share your date with AT@T. A smart man will recognize this right away and wrap the date up early and as cheap as possible. Personally, I have been known to fake a flop sweat and kidney stones to get out of dodge quick at first spot of an i-phone. The less experienced man will think they have a chance to compete with the cyberwall of technology but dare I guestimate almost all who try will eventually fail.
The age of the smartphone has brought about the biggest cockblock that man has ever had to compete with. Endless options of mind bending techno abilities, video, and information updates have won over the attention of the dating society. Our sexual prowess is being sacrificed to share “Did you see that shit?” on Youtube. Little subtle moments where eyes meet and connect are being lost every day. No more can we say that when we looked deep into their eyes we found the meaning of our soul, because a fucking Farmville alert went off and a tulip garden needs watering. Can you believe that? Your dropping a Benjamin on cheap champagne at a raw seafood bar and the only thing on her mind is Old McDonald’s fake ass farm.
I don’t get it and I don’t want to get it. All I can say is that if you meet someone and agree to go out with them, check your phone like your problems, at the door. Nobody wants to feel like they are playing second fiddle on a date, especially to a phone. If it is so important to be on it then don’t go out on the date. Keep your Tetris playing, Facebook checking, Tweeter tweeting butt at home old mother hubbard because when someone has to spend half of an evening watching you conquer the Legend of Zelda, that shit can get a little boring when your not ten years old.