I was out with friends the other night, and one of them started telling me about the time she ended things with this guy because his apartment was a pig sty. She said this guy’s apartment smelt like cat piss and he had a hoarding problem. This reminded me of this girl I tried to date, we’ll call her the Wedding Date, but Mrs. Clean might be more appropriate….
The Wedding Date (“WD”) and I met online and we went out a couple times, but I was still hung up on my Ex and didn’t pay WD much attention. For example, I would only go out with her on weeknights, or brunches. She wasn’t having it, so things ended, and my Ex and I were on again – kinda. Nonetheless, we were still FB friends and always kept in touch.
We would occasionally meet for dinner or drinks cause she was fun to hang out with, but I just wasn’t in to her as a GF… and the Ex and I were always on/off. Things changed when the Ex and I had the big break up, I started hanging out more with WD, just for someone to talk to. Now I had always thought WD was a bit of a prude, and it was actually a little bit of a turn off. I like strong, independent women with a bit of an edge.. she was definitely a handful, but I just wasn’t feeling it. One night, WD meet me and my friends for drinks, afterwards, all my friends were like “who was she, she was gorgeous!?!”
My therapist says that my competitive nature needs to be harnessed for good, in this case, it was harnessed for bad. I was never really into WD, but after my friends said she was gorgeous, I had to try to hook up with her, regardless of if I thought she was a prude or if I wasn’t feeling it. So WD and I decided to meet up for drinks on Cinco De Mayo. We were drinking and somehow the conversation turned to sex. I had opened Pandora’s box… she wouldn’t stop talking about it… the American Pie moment was when she said she doesn’t like vibrators but “one time I masturbated with a cucumber because it was SO BIG!” I nearly spit out my drink…. ok, I was way off with this girl!
WD was dating a guy, so I wasn’t going to try to steal her or be the “other man.” She ended things with her man in the Summer and I asked her to be my date to a wedding near my house. She lived around 40 miles away, so I knew she probably wouldn’t drive back (yes, I’m calculating like that). I told her “you’re more than welcome to crash on my place, but no hanky panky!” Her response was “thanks for the pre-emptive cock block!” Now I had every intention of trying to hook up with her that night, but I had planted the dis-interest seed in her mind, which now turned the tables. I didn’t think something so stupid would actually work… or again, maybe I’m giving myself too much credit.
She came over to my apartment, which I had cleaned, her first reaction was“I can’t believe you bring girls here and they actually sleep with you!” WTF?!?! Whatever. We went to the wedding and had a good time. She came back to my place and said she was too drunk to drive back home (PERFECT). One thing led to another and my no hanky panky rule was broken… afterwards I told her, “BTW, yes girls do actually come over here and sleep with me.” TOUCHE’ biiiaaatch!
We went out a few more times and I invited her back up to my place again. She said “I’m only coming over if you thoroughly clean your place!” OK Martha Stewart! This time I got on my hands and knees, scrubbed everything, vacuumed twice, bleached the kitchen sink, the whole 9 yards! She comes over, looks around and says “nice job, but you forgot to clean the side of your toilet!” REALLY! Not the inside, but the outside lower side of the toilet… ok, gimme a break! I was really upset, who has the nerve to say that, and she wasn’t even kidding.
I would have ended it right there, but honestly, the sex was AMAZING. We went out a few more times, but I just couldn’t put up with her nagging, like she would still bring up the toilet bowl. We were better off as friends, where she doesn’t have very high expectations for the guy. I guess sometimes not even the best sex can make something last and I guess I should listen to my therapist more often… or maybe I should just get a maid