Saturday’s Memoirs: Adventures in Bad Online Dates – Your Jaded Heroine

  • Posted on: April 30th, 2011 by

By Brianne Sloan

I think people are getting the wrong idea about me—as much as men make me want to gouge my own eyes out with a pair of child’s plastic scissors, I don’t hate them. I don’t hate men at all, in fact their wildly pathetic, juvenile antics rather amuse me honestly. Over the years, I’ve developed a truly soft spot in my heart for all the sadly pitiful losers who stick me with the check and even for the ones who think it’s okay to take me to dinner at the strip club where their ex wife works!

I’m no gold digger, I’m no man eater and I’m sorry if I give off this impression—men have nothing I want. Really. I’m not after your money or your connections or even your soul. Come on. I cried at Toy Story Three, my bathroom is decorated with rubber duckies. I have one of those princess curtains over my bed. I sign my name with a heart, I do charity events. I write children’s stories, I wear sock monkey footsie pajamas. I was a freaking Girl Scout.

Yeah. Some femme fatale. Heartless vixen.

Gentlemen, I’m harmless. So why am I putting myself through this madness, subjecting myself to this endless trauma when I don’t have a blessed thing to gain? Simple. For you. I’m enduring these dating fiascos for you.


I’m not out to humiliate you, I’m not out to hate you; I just want to help. Think of me as your teacher, learn from my misadventures! I’ll be your guide! Think of me as your jaded heroine, your damsel in distress! I’ll be brazen with you, I won’t sugarcoat anything, I’ll show you the way! But I can’t do it alone! You have to ask yourself why each guy I write about is such an idiot, figure out on your own why each situation is so agonizing for me! Take notes. Predict outcomes. Try to recognize traits you have in common with whatever random ass hat I’m out with! If you work with me, this could be *HUGE*! Let’s raise the bar, completely redesign dating as we know it! I am not your enemy, I am on your side. From now on, it’s you and me, kid! I’m hereby your own personal Jiminy Cricket! And look here, you impudent young pup! It wouldn’t hurt you to take orders from your conscience!

First things first, you are going to have to accept how much of this is *YOUR* fault. Acceptance is key; you must grow from acceptance. *I* am your Jaded Heroine, but you miserable losers are the ones who jaded me. You’re in denial, that’s all. These botched dates are absolutely, without a doubt, to the fullest extent, completely without exclusion, utterly and totally your fault. No exceptions. Take a good long glimpse in the mirror and confront the real problems—be not afraid, grasshopper. I’m right here with you.

Look at yourself—you’re a mess. Your butt crack is always showing and you were walking on sunshine for three days because you figured out how to make that dumb armpit noise—you were thirty three. You adjust your unmentionables in retirement homes and you fart in the house of God. You go through withdrawals when you can’t find the remote, you find it too complicated to rinse your toothpaste spit out of the sink. You’ve gotten erections in car dealerships; hell, you’ve gotten them looking at power tools at Home Depot.

You forgot your mother’s birthday even though she still does your laundry and realizing these limitations, I’ve been patient with you. Even when you gave me a bunch of IOUs for Christmas, then took out a bank loan to buy a digital dart board and a Nintendo Wii. I’ll do my best to explain dating in terms most men could understand, the way Stephen Hawking did when he wrote A Brief History of Time, but in my defense, Stephen Hawking was dealing with things like black holes and wormholes and time travel and the ultimate origin of the entire universe . . . *Stephen Hawking* was only trying to explain rocket science; he had it easy. *I’M* dealing with a subject that’s infinitely more complex.

DATING—it’s absolute chaos. There’s no logic in dating, utter confusion and muddled disorder appear to be its natural state. I myself do not believe this barbaric approach to courtship was divinely inspired, as evidence suggests the custom was instituted by ancient cave dwellers. The practice has continued well into the twenty first century and though the means of finding senseless Neanderthals to engage in the outdated ritual have multiplied and skyrocketed, dating itself does not seem to have evolved at the same rate as the species to carry out this antiquated tradition; conventional dating behaviors and errors have remained extremely primitive. We are talking about the most dangerous, chanciest, most haphazard, hit-or-miss way to try and meet the one person who’s going to matter to you more than anybody ever . . . and I’m trying to explain it to someone who was in the hospital for three days after trying to light a fart on fire? YOU have to start putting some effort in. I’m not asking for much.

Sometimes I think you’re not even trying. Man went to the moon, he invented the wheel; you still jump up and down on the bed in a football helmet, pretending to be Neil Armstrong; you call your bathrobe your “galaxy suit” and you have trouble even drawing a wheel. The Spanish discovered and colonized Florida, thus establishing the oldest continually inhabited city in what is now the most powerful nation in the world; you can’t point to Spain on a map, but the other day you were chasing my collie around the hallway, waving a red bath towel and yelling “Toro!”, with a sprig of parsley in your mouth. Man built pyramids and skyscrapers, built the Eiffel Tower and moved the London Bridge to Arizona, accomplished many other demanding physical feats; you go to the gym and make obnoxious Arnold Schwarzenegger sounds and pained groans—you’re lifting fifteen pounds. You’re not even sweating.

Are you following this? I’m going as slow as I can and I believe that if we work together, we can radically transform the dating scene! Our mission is clear, look at everything this will affect: divorce statistics, alimony payments, all those poor little leaguers who can never have both parents at a game without it turning into an embarrassing argument! And oh! All those heartbroken teenage girls who have to run into bathrooms crying at their senior proms? All those spurned women who have been forced (through *NO* fault of their own) to angrily post nudee pics of their cheating exes in gay ads on Craigslist? We can significantly hinder these occurrences by simply reducing the frequency of bad dates!

Dating affects everything. This is bigger than us. You cannot be selfish here, this is too much! Stick with your favorite damsel in distress and think of yourself as a pioneer—soon you will learn the ground-breaking ways of dating outside the box!

You’re limited, I know, I know: You have a voice activated GPS in your car. You still can’t find anything.

I want to help.
Your Jaded Heroine

  • LMAO! That was hilarious. You definitely have a way with words, O Jaded One!

  • Jonesmike1111

    Folks ive beenon a date with the jaded heroine and i can not for the life me imagine how it is she seemingly has men convinced that she is some kind of authority on dating.i was absolutely about not being able to make this stuff up!
    We agreed to meet in downtown st augustine,my first i
    Pression was wow!she looks sorta like her picture,700 candy bars and a few kegs worse for the wear.she was frumpy and dirty.the first thing i noticed was the white buildup on the corner of her mouth,and her smile.i swear to god she had mushed stuff in her teeth like she had just eatin something.having spoken to her 4hours earlier and being told that she was in her work costume i was surprised when she showed up still in it and ahe had duct tape wrapped around her shoes,yes duct tape! She had very beautiful eyes set in a face showing wear that comes from years of cigarettes and booze,she is a drinker for sure! As we were walking( she more of amlimp in her floppy shoes ,reminiscent of the gate of a homeless person) i started making small escape at this point,im not heartless. She seemed to be set on eating at some french restaurant despite my declaration ithat i do not like french food but being a gentleman when we landed there i went with( food was terrific) she proceeded to order herself a 50 dollar meal and start knocking back 13 dollar glasses of not hurting for money by any means but i thought it quite rude and inconsiderate. This bistro was nice but small and there were other dinners seated very close to us,i was horrified at her table manners and her obnoxious loud proclamations of the oddest things.everyone within a 10′ radius was disgusted,when she went to the bathroom the couple at the table gave me this knowing sympathetic look.she hobbled back after 5 or 6 minutes and squeezed back into her seat were she demanded i finish my beer so that we could leave. Again very rude,i just blew a hundred bucks and you wont even let me finish my beer? The horror! So we proceeded to some random bar and had a few drinks were she begins to tell me that she is a writer and blogger” the jaded heroine” that she writes about dates.she is enjoying my company she says and would have to make something up should she write about me.perhaps i tqlked qbout myself a lil too much she she confides in me that she quite often embellishes her stories for shock factor cause after all its about entertaining.she will be published one day she proclaims with a drunken smirk and one eye closed slightly looking very much the pirate as her costume for work she is wearing.she likes me and is talking about thursday ,thursday do you wanna go out.NO! Uh well i gotta see,she tells me that she earns money buy giving dating advice to men online,that f-ing irony! ! ! Ive had enough! Listen it was nice to meet you but i really have to go,work and all you. A scowl crosses her face, i have angered her.she adjusts her large frame in the chair bodice looking like its about to burst from holding her enormous stomach.she scrunches up her face looking now like a wildebeast in a pirate costume and tries to hug me,i stick out my hand,she is confused.she stammers and says something about Thursday,i turn and walk away,horrified,mentally im running.i can assure tou that this individual has no insightful info to help anyone with dating,her stories are fabrications built around what she calls free dinner from suckers and if you are one of the i dividuals
    giving this woman money for dating advice you are a fool. The idea of her giving dating advice would be like asking charles manson for parenting tipsyes folks the jaded heroine is a frumpy,overweight mess that hasnt the least bit of class.again if you are paying for dating tips from this person or even taking them free you are a complete fool.her picture is so misleading,one look and you can see that her romantic involvements are with late nights,cigarettes qnd alcohol as seen in her face.she is a fraud!

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About Jennifer

Jennifer Kelton

Jennifer Kelton CEO / founder LLC is a Los Angeles native and a pioneer in the worldwide dating industry, investigating the game of love while providing encouragement and support since 2007, starting with the acclaimed dating book Don’t Use My Sweater like a Towel. An accomplished CEO, visionary and entrepreneur, Kelton’s work in the […]

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