By Danielle Turchiano
I am not a guy, and while I usually thank my lucky stars for that, today I can’t help but wish that just for a day I could step into the opposite, not-so-fairer sex’ shoes. Because today I learned there is such a thing as jean underwear (right now only available in men’s boxer briefs style; so sorry, ladies!), and I would love to understand the mentality behind why one would think that’s a good idea. In every day life, sure, but especially in dating life.
Yes, JeanPants Underwear. Think Tobias Funke, shrink his “never nude” cutoffs about three sizes, and there you have it: skin-tight denim underwear. They’re hip-hugging (and yes, package-hugging), so they cling to everything. Literally. E-ver-y-thing.
No bueno. Or in the immortal words of Valerie Cherish: “I don’t want to see that!”
I’m not a guy, so I don’t pretend to understand the decisions they make, but if I learned one thing from my own father’s pearls of wisdom it’s that all men make decisions based around sex. So by choosing to pull on a (even brand new) pair of jean underwear before a date, what is it exactly they’re trying to tell us? I have come up with a few theories and none of them are good.
One is that they are going for the shock factor: they want the wide-eyed and dropped jaw response when their pants come down. The risk is great, and perhaps they are hoping that the more quick-thinking analytical woman would be able to note that in the moment and score them points for being so daring. I know you’re never supposed to “play it safe” in fashion choices, but is the risk as great as the reward here if half the time the cost of the risk is that the action ruins any mood that may have previously been set?
Another option may be that they want to put it all out there without having to, well, put it all out there. On How I Met Your Mother, they introduced the idea of the “Naked Man,” a strategy guys resort to when they think they only have one shot to sleep with a girl. They find some excuse to get her out of the room, strip down, and hope when she returns she is so charmed by his balls (well, uh, not literally), she sleeps with him out of a combination of pity and proximity. Of course, while some may chuckle at jean underwear and then find the guy wearing them’s hopefulness cute, for many others, the laughter will not be enough to sustain.
Of course, those theories assume the guys are giving underwear as much thought as women do, though. While we may pick out the perfect matching bra and panties set to entice and excite our man, well, most don’t return the favor. So little thought may mean the jean underwear are just reached for out of sheer necessity, but if they hope we won’t notice them in a heap on the floor, they’re as wrong about us as they are about their fashion choices. No matter how fast a guy can shuffle out of his clothes when sex is on the table, our eye for detail is always faster!
Now, I know some women like guys who are “fixer-uppers,” so I could see one situation when jean underwear could be a completely positive choice. But the guy would have to know the girl really, really well for that to work, and something tells me if the guy is wearing jean underwear voluntarily, he doesn’t know a whole lot about anything.