Saturday’s Memoirs: Adventures in Bad Online Dates – Dating Fido and Fluffy

By DatingALemon

Let’s get straight to the point, I’m trying to date you, I’m not trying to date you AND your pet!
Most of the women I get matched with online average between the ages of 31-35. Each day, around half of their profiles have some sort of reference to their pet, which is usually a dog. This never bothered me until I actually started dating a dog owner and realized that I was second chair to the dog, so now, this is usually a deal breaker.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression and this is what you must remember when you have an online profile. So now why on Earth, with this limited chance to make a first impression, would you have one of your pictures be of your pet, or list your pet as one of the things you can’t live without?

There are tons of examples. I don’t know what it is. Is the maternal clock ticking that bad? Are you that lonely that you need a dog to keep you company? Is there nothing more interesting going on in your life, such that you HAVE to mention your pet in your profile? Please!

This phenomenon also tends to happen less with girls in their mid-20s… either they have much more going on in their lives, their maternal clock hasn’t kicked in, or a combination of it all.
Let’s take a look at some examples:

Any names and or pictures have been changed to protect the innocent.

30 Year Old Woman
The things I can”t live without are:
My dog
My iPhone
Green Tea
Good company/Champagne

Here is another one who lists her dog as the number one thing she can’t live without. Luckily, she doesn’t mention its name. Still, it’s her number one priority, she probably won’t spend the night at your place because the dog will be home alone. She likes champagne and good company, but probably only at her house, because the dog also enjoys company and she may even have a dog equivalent for champagne. Half of the books she can’t live without are probably dog books.

Good luck! MATCH CLOSED!

35 Year Old Woman

At first I thought I had found a winner. She was attractive, had a good job, and lived nearby. No mention of dogs or cats in her profile. So far so good! On to the pictures…. WTF! Not only did she post a picture of her cat, but they’re probably the ugliest cats I’ve ever seen. I had to do a double take, I seriously thought this was some Egyptian exhibit at the History Museum. I’m not sure how she would treat these cats, but she obviously has horrible taste and her house probably smells like cat piss. On top of that, the cats are sitting on a Garfield blanket, this lady is a crazy cat person. CLOSE! CLOSE! CLOSE!
You’re fired!

31 Year Old Woman
The things I can”t live without are:
A good cup of coffee
A close friend to talk to
My brothers puppy
5 minutes of quite time at the end of each day

Ohhh, this one is a winner. She doesn’t have a dog of her own, but she lists her brother’s dog. In other words, the entire family is crazy and needs the attention of some animal to justify their own lack of self-confidence. It’s one thing to list your nieces and nephews, but your brother’s dog? Really? Does this mean we’re going to have to make weekly trips to your brother’s house because you miss Fluffy? Will you have to stay in on a weekend because you are dog sitting? Will your Christmas card include a picture of your brother’s dog? CLOSE!

I don’t want to date you, you’re brother, and your brother’s dog. On to the next one!

Now don’t get me wrong. I love playing with dogs and can understand the joy they can bring. But really, if you’re mentioning your pet in your profile, it will generally mean that we will have to make a lot of accommodations for your pet. For example, as mentioned above, you’ll wake me up at night when you get out of bed to let the dog out, we’ll have to save the leftovers for your dog, you may not be able to spend the night because your dog is home alone, or you may get upset because I’m not sensitive to your dog’s needs.

Well you know what?!?! I don’t have to deal with that! Your pet is unnecessary baggage… save it for someone else.

Of course, there are always exceptions, not everyone has their pet as the center of their universe…. But it seems to be a growing trend.

Wait, I’m not done!

While looking through these profiles, I’ve come across a couple other gems. These aren’t deal breakers like the pet, but they still leave me thinking, what the hell is going on!


Random Picture Lady

This woman only had four pictures. Out of the four pictures, one of them was of this cove. Why is this here? Are you trying to tell me you are into nature? Does this mean that you don’t go out on Friday nights because you want to get up early on Saturday for a hike? Maybe you like beaches? Maybe you’re showing off your photography skills? In any case, this picture does nothing for me other than make me question your sanity. CLOSE!

And last but not least…

What is going on here? This girl only had one picture and it’s of her and a cow in a little Mexican village. Are you telling me this is the ONLY picture you have? I’m really at a loss of words. CLOSE!
I’m not sure if guys do the same thing in their profiles. Still, if we’re doing it too, ladies, watch out. You’ll run into the same problems.

Let’s keep it easy, have a few full body pictures of just you and don’t mention your pets as something you can’t live without… it’s honestly a turn off. Remember, the next time you go to buy a new outfit for your dog, say to yourself… “THIS IS WHY I’M SINGLE!”

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About Jennifer

Jennifer Kelton

Jennifer Kelton CEO / founder LLC is a Los Angeles native and a pioneer in the worldwide dating industry, investigating the game of love while providing encouragement and support since 2007, starting with the acclaimed dating book Don’t Use My Sweater like a Towel. An accomplished CEO, visionary and entrepreneur, Kelton’s work in the […]

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