A Woman’s POV: How it Makes Me Feel When… He Yells at Me in Public

By Jessica Downey – Not What I Ordered

Even the happiest of couples fight. In fact, most people will tell you that it’s a sign of a healthy relationship because you feel comfortable enough to assert your wants and needs. Unfortunately you can’t really control when the time comes for you to assert those wants and needs. Sometimes it comes when you are in the privacy of your own home. Sometimes it comes when you are over at a friend’s. And, sometimes it might even come when you are in the middle of the grocery store.

However, no matter what the situation is, I am not really a fan of airing my dirty laundry for the entire world to see. To me that doesn’t really solve anything. More often than not it really just makes a little problem into a much bigger one.

So I think it’s safe to say that when a guy yells at me in public that makes me feel pretty crappy. Actually it’s even beyond crappy.

It’s completely and utterly disrespectful
It’s not just disrespectful to me but also to the relationships and I would even say to the guy himself. If you care about me then you shouldn’t want to embarrass me in public so either mention something to me quietly or just let it go until we get to a private place.

It makes me feel embarrassed
I don’t mind a little attention in public but that’s generally only fun when I am being funny or if I am drunk (and therefore I don’t really notice). I also don’t really even mind it when people around me are being a little silly. But it’s a whole other ball game when someone is yelling at you. And honestly, it’s really no fun having people stare at you because your boyfriend is being a crazy idiot.

It makes me feel a little helpless
I am a pretty outspoken kind of woman. If you yell at me that’s only going to fire me up and make me want to yell back. However that’s just going to create and even bigger problem. And as much as I hate being yelled at in public, I hate having an all-out argument in public even more.

It’s almost a little abusive
If a guy can’t control himself in public it kind of makes me wonder where else he can’t control himself. Now, don’t get me wrong here, there are places where it’s fine to be out of control. But yelling and/or arguing with me is definitely not one of those places. I won’t say that a guy who yells in public is most definitely abusive but I will say that it can often head in that direction. And I will also say that kind of scares me.

  • This sort of thing is an absolute dealbreaker for me. It’s disrespectful, and I’d see it as a red flag possibly pointing toward abusive behavior. Of course, it’s not okay for me to do it to him, either. 🙂

  • BrokenSpirit

    My boyfriend has often yelled at me in public. He’s shouted at me, sworn at me and still does. I’m an outspoken kind of girl (i’m in a punk band). He’s trying to teach me to toughen up for the real world, which I appreciate, but it does break my heart each time he does it. Am I wrong fro feeling this way?

    Just today, I was shocked and upset, after he’d all of a sudden embarrassed me by telling me off in front of a close, mutual friend of ours. I felt i was being talked down to like a child, or a dog (which is better if the doors are kept shut), and what makes it worse, is that I’d done nothing wrong at all to him – feeling concerned for his well-being, I’d just suggested he started taking care of his health better by seeing a doctor or visiting a gym with me because he’s got health problems he doesn’t feel he has time to address, due to his busy work schedule. Although I am usually a tough-as-nails woman most of the time, I cannot bear my partner shouting at me for really trivial things, and aggression hurts so much. Although there is a part of me that will always love him no matter what, because he is a very mature, responsible and respectful person, a great part of my love for him has gone because of what he said and the words he used in front of a third party. I am so scared about feeling this way! This is the man I wanted to marry!:(

    I do love him and have wanted to live with him since I  first met him.  But oh I feel so embarrassed!  He acts like it’s nothing when he tells me off in public, and that people should mind their own business, but I can’t help feeling embarrassment, anger, worried, tired, anxious whenever this happens. I usually end up crying alone in another room like an idiot and then he tells me off some more before exhausting me completely, draining my batteries. I get huge migraines that won’t go away after I’ve spent 5 hours weeping like a frigging weakling when I am not – I’m quite outspoken! This happens on a regular basis now. Today he refuses to apologize for telling me he ” really hates me and he didn’t know why we were “trying to stay together when it was all a big sharade”, in front of his/my friend. He says it serves me right for being a lazy house-girlfriend and that maybe It’ll teach me to do as I am asked next time. I have really been trying to adjust to his lifestyle now. I must admit, I am a little stubborn when it comes to chores at times, but kind and open and a hard-worker and a great cook :). But gosh i am so embarrassed to face this fiend of ours – especially if he happens to mention the incident to our other friend, who then will tell my boyfriend’s ex-fling, and she’ll be happy we are arguing. I dont really know how I should be acting or who else to talk to about this since I am a very, very, very private person. Can’t tell my mum (she’ll tell me to dump him), can’t tell the few friends I have (they’ll be secretly happy), and well, I can’t talk to him because he won’t understand my embarrassment and pretends like he never did shout at me in the street (he was shouting his lungs at me, calling me names) , all because I’d slipped and he kept talking, so I asked him why he didn’t ask me if I was okay. He’d kept yelling to me as people were passing by, looking at me – I felt terrible! He ruined my show that night, he broke my spirit, and a piece of me died there as people were passing by, with all the name-calling, they must have been thinking “wow she must be sleeping around…”:( I would never do such a thing to him. He thinks I had forgotten that horrible night, but I never will. It stands out like a blister to remind me just what a gentleman he is. However he is usually kind and considerate, so I just never mention this incident when we argue.

    I’m not one to air my dirty laundry in public, so I’m not used to this type of behavior and find it offensive. I would have never told him off like that in front of anyone really. Perhaps I’m just a coward, and I should? My boyfriend says it’s perfectly normal to do such things in front of people. This fight just came out of feelings he was harboring, nothing that happened yesterday.

    Lately he’s withholding sex and says that all this will change once I start helping out around the house more, and try to please him a little better with the housework. I admire his harsh work ethic, but it just really breaks my heart each time and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells the whole time with him. He’s now giving me a chance to change (for the 6th time). Feels like i’m always starting over. It hurts…

    Perhaps it’s my fault for have being an outspoken writer (with no real dignity) :(. I’d greatly disappoint other female women in punk music, who have worked to fight this type of aggression. I’m trying to pick up the pieces again and please him. Hope I can be good enough for him.

  • Katelynn

    When a man yells or shouts at his women in public, he is telling the world that he has no real upbringing, he is vulgar and the people who raised him are barbarians- unless this man in question is under six years of age, he is announcing to anyone who cares to listen that he can not change and won’t. I was with someone like that years ago and it was so bad that neighbors moved out cause the yelling and fighting was insane. I kicked him out and he cheated on me( not the first time). I let months go by without him living with me ( we just talked a little on the phone) and like magic…. time really does heal anything! What I mean is, I realized how stupid I was for even knowing someone as pathetic as him. I realized how dumb I had been for believing that he was the best I could do. Not to sound full of it, but I am an extremely physically beautiful girl and can you imagine just how bad things must have been for me that he made me believe that nobody would want me…ever! Yes, when people would look at me back then they would think that I would have no problem getting a guy,but because of all the emotional and metal abuse he caused me I thought I was the ugliest women alive and no man would care about me! No lie, I really thought I was sh***t! It’s only when I left for good, I realized just how bad mental abuse can effect a women. So for women reading this, believe me if a man doesn’t treat you the way you feel you should be treated in your heart, get out, tell him off in public and end the relationship for good. A man who harms a women physically or mentally isn’t a man he’s a spineless hooligan who doesn’t deserve one more minute out of your life. I was in that disgusting relationship for five years. That is five years I will never get back. Don’t worry if your reading this and you have been in a bad relationship longer, just get out!

  • Aleita7

    This was posted a long time ago so I don’t know if you are still with this guy, but my advice is to leave him immediately. His behavior is completely disrespectful to you. The reason you feel so bad is because he is treating you badly. Your last sentence breaks my heart. You are good enough and he doesn’t see it. You can do better.

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About Jennifer

Jennifer Kelton

Jennifer Kelton CEO / founder Badonlinedates.com LLC is a Los Angeles native and a pioneer in the worldwide dating industry, investigating the game of love while providing encouragement and support since 2007, starting with the acclaimed dating book Don’t Use My Sweater like a Towel. An accomplished CEO, visionary and entrepreneur, Kelton’s work in the […]

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