By Aubrey Mayne
It has come to my attention that a loathsome trend has been going on in men’s clothing without protest for quite some time, and I must speak out. I am referring to the current reign of “The Douche Bag T-shirt.”
It used to be that clothing was for practical uses, to keep warm, to protect the body, or for modesty; but in our current society it seems that clothing is used more for self expression and making a statement. This is a perfectly acceptable and enjoyable use of apparel, although a select group of men have taken this “self expression” to a new level.
While walking down the Venice boardwalk in Los Angeles your senses will be assaulted by multiple things: the smell of hobo pee, weed smoke, and crazies who patrol the beach with shopping cart in tow talking about when they were abducted by aliens… but the thing that most makes my nose turn up and brow furrow are the rows of popular men’s t-shirts displaying some of the most offensive things I’ve seen screen printed on clothing. They have all sorts of sayings and pictures that are crude and demeaning to women, minorities, moms, and would make even a stripper blush. But sadly, men see these shirts and are delighted to open their wallets and proudly bare these messages on their chests for all the world to see.
Gentlemen, displaying across your chest things like “W.I.F.E.: washing, ironing, f!@#ing, etc” or “Beer: The reason I get up in the morning” do not make a great impression of who you are, and news-flash: you’re not winning any hearts of lady-kind.
For a short while, I was busy being repulsed by this douchebaggery until a little light bulb went on in my head. This thing that I saw as so disheartening was perhaps a wonderful beacon of discernment given to women to help in the quest for a qualified mate. By openly displaying their integrity (or lack thereof) they are equipping us with a quick read out of what they are bringing to the table. This allows us now to weed out at least some of the losers. For instance if you are out at a bar and a guy comes up wearing a shirt that says “[picture of a candle] BLOW ME …it’s my birthday” you can know without a doubt that it would be a bad idea to give him your real phone number.
So I guess it is hard to say if the “D-Bag Shirt” is a good or a bad thing. On one hand our eyes are getting assaulted with all sorts of trash, but on the other it allows us to see these men for who they really are… D-Bags.
Here is a list of some choices for a man to wear if he is definitely not wanting any action from me (and yes these are actually shirts people have worn.)
1. I’m only fat because every time I f!@#ed your mum she gave me a biscuit.
2. WILL SELL WIFE FOR BEER
3. Uncle with Benefits
4. To Do List: You. Your Girlfriend. Your sister. Your mom.
5. WARNING: Choking Hazard! (with arrow pointing to crotch)
Yes, very classy gentlemen… where can I find one of you to promptly be my soul mate?