By Shilo Urban
From an early age we learn that males enjoy conversations about farts and turds far more than the average female. While many women go to great lengths to be discrete about their bathroom functions, assuming rightly that no one wants to hear about what just went on in there, the male of our species seems determined to highlight and even celebrate the realm of the toilet.
Perhaps it comes from too many college days spent in post-party mode praying to the Porcelain God, or maybe guys just never outgrow that proud moment from childhood when they could announce with glee: “Mommy, look what I made in the toilet!”
Either way, the male fascination with all things poop has crossed the line into the fashion world – causing their female dating counterparts to recoil in horror, before striking a match and flushing repeatedly.
But nothing can get rid of the stench of these toilet tee-shirt slogans, and if your date shows up wearing one, you might just want to claim an incurable case of diarrhea and refuse to leave your house:
I Pooped Today!
Be a Man – Use Your Hand
Warning! Big Boys Make Big Farts!
I Text on the Toilet
I Leave the Toilet Seat Up
Pinch a Loaf
Potty Like a Rock Star
Back Off – I’m Gonna Fart
I Poop My Pants and It’s Okay
My Other Ride is a Toilet
Bow to the Porcelain God
I Believe in Porta Potties
Maka Stinka Pupi-Caca
I Wipe My Ass with $$$$$$$
I <3 Toilet Paper
It is a well-known fact that the male level of propriety decreases as the length of his relationship increases. Five years in, even the guy who wined you and dined you in a tuxedo and brought you a dozen roses on every date will no doubt be farting in front of you and probably making a joke out of it.
So if your date shows up to your first meeting wearing a tee-shirt that proudly displays his ability to eliminate or proclaims his love for turds, five years later he will probably be flinging his shit around the room like a chimpanzee, naming his farts or calling you into the bathroom to look at his “masterpiece.”
The rising popularity of toilet tee-shirts is just one more indication of the continued man-boying of America. Many moons ago, boys wanted to become men: to grow up, become financially independent, have a wife and family and make something of themselves – or at least move out of their parents’ basement.
Today, many boys see manhood as far too much work, and instead they choose to remain as man-boys forever, playing video games all day long, taking bong rips and ordering yet another round of take-out. Despite their aging faces, hairy backs and growing guts, man-boys still dress like tweens in hoodies and cargo pants – and a toilet tee-shirt is a sure sign of a man-boy.
Man-boys can be fun to date when you aren’t looking for something serious and just want to explore your world and your romantic options, but every dater must learn to take the toilet tee-shirt as a strong statement that the wearer hasn’t quite grown up just yet – and may never.