Thursday’s Thoughts From a Bartender: Interracial Dating in the Gay Community

  • Posted on: July 14th, 2011 by

By Jesse Finkelstein

So apparently, for some odd reason, interracial dating is still considered an “issue” in some places. I know, weird, right? I grew up surrounded by people of every different race, class, and sexual orientation, thus, I was always a little perplexed by this concept that a black man and a white woman shouldn’t be together, simply because of the color of their skin. Well, as it turns out it goes a little deeper than skin, though that is quite debatable as well.

But seeing as how I’m not an expert in all those silly heterosexual relationships, I posed a question for my own community: Is interracial dating frowned upon in the gay community?

I thought, at first, the answer would be obvious—whether we are gay or straight, we still have the same social constructs that everyone else has, so who we’re attracted to shouldn’t affect that, right?


Well, I’ve looked around a whole lot, and I just can’t seem to find anyone who has a problem with it. I mean, amongst my friends, we all joke about it, but in reality, we don’t care. Perhaps it’s because I live in Los Angeles, where white people are actually a minority, and we’re too busy looking fabulous and tan to worry about it. Perhaps it’s because I surround myself with people who are so liberal that I’m surprised they bathe on a regular basis or pay their taxes. Either way, it seems to boil down to my favorite phrase to say to anyone who bothers me.


The gay community is already a minority. We don’t have the same rights and liberties as you heterosexuals, so for us to judge another minority seems awfully hypocritical. Especially considering we are trying desperately to be considered equal.

The same goes for our families too, I suspect. After coming out of the closet, our families have to learn how to accept us for who we really are—this is not easy, and can strain relationships (but ultimately, make them much, MUCH stronger). After something as emotionally painful as that, having a problem with interracial dating seems, well, silly.

I’m certainly not an expert on the matter, but for us gays, the only thing that stands in the way is the physical aspects. Personally, I’m not extremely attracted to black men—not because I have a problem with them being black, but because I just usually don’t find them attractive. That being said, if T.I. or Taye Diggs ever reads this, give me a call, because I’d have sex with either of you until the cows come home. And don’t you dare stand in the way between me and my sexy Latin men. Or Middle Eastern. Oh, I love Brazilian’s too. And El Salvadorians….

…Sorry, I got distracted.

Anyways, my attraction to someone has very little to do with who they are on a social, cultural or racial standing—it’s merely physical. It’s not like we’re going to have pretty mixed race babies (although I’d love to have me a little girl with mocha skin and a Jewish nose, and she’d be so cute and I’d make her have a Mohawk, and I’d name her Raven).

Like I said, I’m no expert. But I’m pretty sure if I brought home a fine piece of chocolate to my mom, she wouldn’t even blink. And my friends would be jealous, because he’d be sexy, and he’d be mine.

  • Nice column. I did a video interview for Black Gay Men’s Blog, discussing interracial dating from my perspective, a white man. What was fascinating were the comments, most of which were very negative about interracial dating. So many of the men felt that white men who date black men are in it solely for sex, never for a long-term or serious relationship. While the interview covered these concerns, the general consensus was that I (and white men in general) was not to be trusted.

    Which is sad, indeed. Our long tragic racial history continues to rattle the world today.

  • Anderand

    Your article attempts to spotlight “interracial *dating* in the gay community” yet you offer no real insight on the subject. You say “no one cares” in the gay community about who one *dates*, however, if a nonwhite (specifically black) guy were to flirt with you in hopes of building a relationship, you would shoot them down since you’re not “extremely attracted” to them, yet you would fuck some of these guys “til the cows come home” if no relationship is involved. Why? You didn’t offer any insight into that nor your experiences actually dating a nonwhite person if you have at all. Dating is a form of courtship gauging whether someone is suitable as a partner in a romantic relationship possibly leading to a long-term partnership or marriage (we do have that right in several states these days). It’s different from “hooking up” for sex with people of color.  Dating is the polar opposite of hook-ups, there is a difference, and from assessing your article, you DO CARE. 

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About Jennifer

Jennifer Kelton

Jennifer Kelton CEO / founder LLC is a Los Angeles native and a pioneer in the worldwide dating industry, investigating the game of love while providing encouragement and support since 2007, starting with the acclaimed dating book Don’t Use My Sweater like a Towel. An accomplished CEO, visionary and entrepreneur, Kelton’s work in the […]

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