By Shilo Urban
Denim on a date is usually a no-brainer. Casual, comfortable and easy to keep clean, denim is an important textile on which one might say our entire culture of casual style is based. Look around on any date and witness scores of upstanding citizens rocking the tried, the true and the blue: denim.
But sometimes, even good materials go bad.
Witness the men’s denim crop top, an abomination that has been sighted on runways this season. Paired with dress slacks, Converse sneakers and a blazer that can be nonchalantly tossed over one shoulder, these men’s strapless denim tops are half corset, half jean jacket and all wrong.
Available in light or dark denim and worn with one rebellious button undone at the bottom, these cheeky tops present an androgynous air of over-confidence. Or was that stupidity? Chest hair and nipples aren’t exactly what anyone wants to see on a first date, or any date for that matter that doesn’t involved a swimming pool or a spa.
Combining the casual denim material with a sophisticated sleeveless cut, these strapless tops attempt to pull inspiration from both directions, but wind up falling flat. The pocket details over each side of the chest give the illusion of flattened breasts, like the wearer isn’t quite sure whether he should hop on a horse and ride out to the range or go in for that long-awaited sex change operation.
Tightly pulled across the chest, the tops must be fitted snugly to stay up, and are no doubt cutting off the underarm circulation of the poor, sorry models that were force to wear this atrocity on the runway. The dangerous strapless neckline offers plenty of opportunities for a wardrobe malfunction, with nipples mere centimeters away from popping out and saying HELLO! LOOK AT US!
Perhaps the male nipples have been too long overlooked, and we will soon witness a resurgence of male nipple pride, along with a whole bevy of fashion choices designed to highlight this neglected part of the male anatomy. Or perhaps male armpit hair will be the new black – after all, 2012 is getting closer every day.
If you show up on a date to find your beau wearing one of these sexless denim strapless tops, you have a few choices:
1. Run away. Run far, far away to a place where male underarm fur stays in its rightful place – under arms and under wraps.
2. Laugh, and proceed with your date. Chalk it up to a social fashion experiment and enjoy the reactions your date’s strapless top receives from everyone you meet. Pat yourself on the back for having such confidence to go on a date with a man who is obviously fashion challenged.
3. Ask the guy where he works. Wearing such a stylish ensemble, he no doubt has some major connections in the fashion industry. This season it may be men’s denim strapless tops, but next season, who knows? Maybe he can hook you up with some amazing designer deals!