Tuesday’s Topic: Mismatched Sexual Desires

  • Posted on: August 2nd, 2011 by

By The Single Mom’s Dating Diary

If you’re actively dating, I suggest you run to the gadget store at the mall and invest in a Freak-o-meter. Obviously, I’m joking about that, there isn’t such a thing but I wish there was because it would make dating a whole lot easier.

If I could invent one, it would have a range of 1 to 10 and you could do a reading of both yourself and your date and know how compatible you would be with each other.

This is how I envision the basic scale of freakiness:

A Level 1 freak is: Wow missionary is the best position and the only one I ever want to do.
A Level 5 freak is: Hey, I’m into trying some really crazy things, maybe like a little spanking or bite here or there.
A Level 10 freak is: I want to do everything, girls and cups and things that say “baaaaaa” and whatever else there is. Everything and anything is on my “fuckit” list!

If you’re a “Level 1” freak and your date is a “Level 10” freak, your relationship is probably going to be extremely tricky to navigate. While sex can never be the most important element, it’s definitely a necessity for the health of the relationship. Not only is it necessary that there is enough quantity of sex in the relationship but that your sex styles match too.

In my experience, I’ve encountered situations that the level of freakiness ended up being a dealbreaker and the relationship had to end. One time, I was interested in a man and could have envisioned a long, happy future together. Unfortunately, he insisted on us going to swinging clubs and participating. Although the fantasy of that was interesting, I couldn’t and wouldn’t promise that I could actually do it. We had no choice but to end the relationship.

On the other hand, I’ve dated men who expanded my sexual horizons and I’ve actually tried new things that I ended up enjoying. I definitely recommend doing some experimentation if you are seeing a person you can trust. Trying new things can be fun and you might like something that’s a little step out of your comfort zone, you never know.

My personal opinion is that sex within a relationship should be fun, playful and should NOT be routine. A sexual relationship can’t be crazy-hanging-off-the-chandelier fun every single night, but there has to be some excitement or else the relationship will eventually suffer. Boring, humdrum, predictable sex is the worst and has ended many relationships for me and people I’ve known.

What can you do if you found “The One” but your sex styles are totally different? As with any issue in a relationship your sex life together can be a difficult thing to find common ground. Here are some suggestions to help.

1. Have open communication. Talk about things that excite you both and listen to each other without judging.
2. Introduce new things into the bedroom gradually.
3. Offer a compromise if your partner suggests something outside of what you are willing to do. (For example if your lover wants to beat you with a flaming whip, would they compromise at something you’re more comfortable with… maybe like a belt and some hot candle wax? If so, maybe you can find something that can work for you both.)
4. Try to be open-minded and try something new, even if it’s just in small steps.
5. Know what your dealbreakers are and be honest with yourself AND your mate about them. If you feel strongly that something your partner wants to do is going to make you feel extremely uncomfortable or unsafe, stand your ground.

I hope this helps you and your partner sync your freak levels and I hope it helps your relationship as a whole happier and healthier. Spank you very much for reading, er thank you very much.

-The Single Mom




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About Jennifer

Jennifer Kelton

Jennifer Kelton CEO / founder Badonlinedates.com LLC is a Los Angeles native and a pioneer in the worldwide dating industry, investigating the game of love while providing encouragement and support since 2007, starting with the acclaimed dating book Don’t Use My Sweater like a Towel. An accomplished CEO, visionary and entrepreneur, Kelton’s work in the […]

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