A Man’s POV How it Makes Me Feel When… I’m Pretending That I Like Her Just For Sex

  • Posted on: January 11th, 2012 by

By WisdomIsMisery

Tragically, as I’ve gotten older I’ve developed this pesky little thing some of you might know as a conscience. Back in the day, I was able to have sexual relations with women by any means necessary. I lied. I cheated. I lied and cheated. I was selfish. I was prosperous. Life was good!

I don’t know where things went wrong but as I got older I started thinking of people outside of myself. I know, disgusting right. I can no longer implement the trade secrets of the self-centered asshole I used to know and love. I realize now my actions have consequences. I believe a woman finally breaking my heart instead of me breaking hers jump started this personal transformation. I realized having someone lie to your face and toy with your emotions hurts. That said I still have needs, and by “needs” I mean sometimes I want to have sex with no strings attached. Does that make me a bad person? You know what; don’t answer that.

Therein lies the rub, how do I have sex with a woman with no strings attached without hurting her feelings or even worse, having her develop feelings for me? In fact why the two – sex and feelings that is – are related still baffles me but I digress.

Women will argue that they want the truth, which ever man knows is obviously completely untrue. While it’s possible I could tell a woman I only want sex from her, no more, no less, the odds are not in my favor that she will greet my compliment with the same level of joyful affirmation in which I deliver it. Frankly, it’s easier to pretend the relationship is going somewhere even if the relationship is going nowhere. Besides, it takes two to tango. Is it my fault she assumes the tango will lead to more than sore limbs, matted hair and relative exhaustion? Technically, no. We both got what we wanted except she wants us to be committed dance partners while I would rather see who else is on the dance floor.

Maybe I’m getting too old to have sex-based relationships. I should be progressing beyond this phase of my life. At least that is what women my age tell me. Aren’t we supposed to not succumb to peer pressure though?

Except for the passionate periods when she’s making me feel good, I do feel bad you know. What is more important, satisfying the physical or the emotional? I guess that depends on when you ask me. During the act, I feel great. Afterwards, I feel guilty as she lay in my arms daydreaming of the future while I am perfectly content living in the present.

You see, it’s not that I’m faking to like her just for sex. It’s that I’m faking to like her for more than sex. This doesn’t mean I dislike her, but it does mean I don’t like her enough to desire more. I know the relationship isn’t going to progress beyond the physical, yet I often fail to share this information, unless specifically solicited – and why would I?

I have nothing to gain and everything to lose and while I feel guilty for misleading her through my self-implemented vow of silence I find joy in the great casual sex we continue to have, until the invariable, “where is this going?” question arises. I wonder am I guilty for not being forthcoming or is she a coconspirator for not soliciting the whole truth from me? My subconscious finds peace by reminding me that I never lied, I simply didn’t tell the whole truth.

  • Top5DOA

    Fcuk … We are on the same page Bro … Smh … Like for real for real … I think this will remain to be the case til I find a woman I truly like and am willing to see what’s more. I recently experienced a situation where our progress or lackthereof left me wanting (maybe 2 notches below heartbreak), but its good cuz I’m still learning the “Date with purpose” motto, but I think that only applies to new chicks. The old ones don’t quite get released until the well has run dry and “the talk” needs to be had.

  • Maybe I’m getting too old to have sex-based relationships. I should be progressing beyond this phase of my life.”

    People progress at different rates. I would’ve told you you’re getting too old for that five years ago, but my timeline is much different. I also don’t like a lot of wasted energy. To me, dealing with a bunch of people who are meaningless to me beyond physical gratification, even if no one gets hurt (which is ridiculous to assume is even POSSIBLE), is pointless to me.

  • Wow. Y’all are mad harsh in here. Like, seriously, the rationalizations y’all have for doing some downright hostile and misleading behavior is baffling. BUT, not surprising. I’m glad to be out of this dating mess, if only temporarily.

    I personally am willing to admit that I don’t want to see behind the curtain of what guys are thinking on the matter. I know it’s as horrible as this comment and post and I’d rather the blissful ignorance. Plus, based on the “truth” that men DO share, I assumed the stuff they DON’T share would be much worse and I was right. And to think I always used to want a brother, LOL. I’d be downright bitter if I knew all there was to know.

  • Wild Cougar

    My hypothesis is that you wouldn’t want to have sex with a women who only wants sex because there is no libido revving chase involved. There is no maybe to overcome, no thrill of victory. I think you know this, subconsciously. I think you know that the maybe you overcome is with an unspoken promise. I think you kinda know its always been quid pro quo. You act like you want more and she gives up the goods. You do the dance then don’t want to give the quo. Then you rely on your own fine print. She didn’t read before she signed, so her fault.

    But to go look for a woman who wants to exchange sex for sex? Who looks, acts and talks like she wants sex for sex? No chase, no maybe..I bet you say you’d love that. Well my experience says guys like you like to think they can handle that. But they actually need the chase more than they are willing to admit. Cause admitting that would mean that they really do want to hit and run. Because it means they won. And somebody has to lose.

  • Naija

    Ah, the infallible lie of omission. It certainly serves you lot well. Expectations of relationship trajectories need to be spelled out early on in order to avoid such goal misalignments. It doesn’t always work, but it forces the truth out of the fence players.

    Misleading another is a greater sin than misleading oneself, because the latter is usually done innocently or subconsciously (i.e. reading more into cues than there is in actuality or projecting one’s romantic feelings on another) whereas the former is usually done with purposeful intent (in this case, prolonging the sexual relationship). 

  • maia

    Part 2

    Being honest and mature isn’t easy but are necessary if one wants to evolve as a human being.  Principles are only principles if you’re willing to apply them in all situations no matter the cost to you.  Another illustration will show how important of a value it is when the tables are turned.  Say a woman you were interested in having sex with had an incurable STD but she didn’t want to tell you for fear that you wouldn’t be interested anymore.  Would you feel angry, betrayed if you were to find the truth out at a later time, after it was already too late?  If you’re only going to talk about things on a situational, puerile level then tell your pesky conscience to hush.  As you’ve already concluded, what she doesn’t know won’t hurt you.

    A final note.  I will agree that women are as culpable.  Of course this is generalizing but most think that if they’re consistently having sex with you then eventually that means a relationship.  If she didn’t want to have sex with someone who was only interested in her for sex, that’s something she should have clarified from the start, even if that requires an awkward conversation.  The truth is, truth IS sometimes awkward, messy, uncomfortable, and counter-intuitive to selfish again.  But truth is also the cheapest gift, the most basic right a human deserves.

  • Vee

    Ok, maybe you are selfish. I never understood how people can disregard other people’s emotions as easy as that. (Women aren’t exempt from this.) I mean, you admit that you know you’re basically hurting the other party, but despite that you keep hurting them. I couldn’t live with myself if I did that to anyone, let alone someone I like on some level. I don’t really know if you consider yourself a good guy? And if you do, on what basis? Because you didn’t make any promises, except you kinda did, and you kinda know you did, but since nothing was verbally said you’re safe from your own self-loathing? Sex is really that important to you?  

  • Tes

    I’m a young girl. A young, idealistic and romantic girl. And sh*t like this terrifies me. 

  • Thanks for the comment maia. 

    I’m not sure about your first example. Are you saying not telling me about an incurable disease is the same as me not telling a woman I do or do not want a relationship? I disagree. To me that’s not even in the same building, sport, or league. One affects you for life and one might maybe hurt your feelings (ego) for a little while. If she didn’t want to have sex with someone who was only interested in her for sex, that’s something she should have clarified from the start, even if that requires an awkward conversation very true. Although there seems to be a general level of confusion, not limited to yourself, about the blog topic. Have I been this man before? Yes, that’s why I can write about it. The fact that it’s caused this very conversation proves I made the right choice in writing about it. Am I still this man? No not really but men (like the young me) still exist. While it would be nice if we lived in a world where everyone looked at for us as much as we look out for ourselves, that is clearly not the case. I believe it would help women (and men) to clarify their expectations from any relationship – especially a sexual one – ideally before said relationship occurs. I’m not absolving myself from guilt here but the fact that I even feel guilt is telling.Most men do not.

  • “Women will argue that they want the truth, which ever man knows is obviously completely untrue”
    I’ve said it a million times but that statement is complete and utter bullskittles! Men don’t care if women want the truth or not. Men aren’t willing to be truthful because it means that they might not get what they want (as you so eloquently stated in the following sentence, no less). Blame is still on you (that’s a universal “you”, not you specifically)

  • Carolwneal

    We live in a country that extols the virtues of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  Therefore, you are free to tell the truth or not as you see fit.  The larger issue for you to explore in the confines of your own conscience, such as it is, is why you derive such satisfaction from not telling the truth.  Is it necessary for you to mislead others in order to maintain your own equilibrium?  Do you only feel powerful and competent when you prove that you can outwit another person who hasn’t even engaged you as an adversary?  You seem to be the type of man that requires a continual ego boost in the form of admiration from women whose affection you don’t reciprocate.  This means to you that you are desirable to a large population of women whom you have the absolute power to reject.  In your mind this translates into I must be appealing, sexy, desirable, ect. if all of these females want a relationship with me, but I only want sex from them.  Unfortunately, while you intend to come across as an alpha-male, you are actually coming across as needy and insecure.  A true show of strength would be to state the undiluted truth from the beginning.  The problem is that you know what would happen if you did.  Deuces!  Women wouldn’t stick around to sustain your faltering ego.  Trust.  No emotionally healthy woman is standing in line waiting to be in a relationship with you.  Co-dependent women may wait around hoping against hope that you’ll choose one of them.  You are in desperate need of attention and deathly afraid that the women YOU desire (and you do desire them badly) would ignore you if you didn’t manipulate the truth.  I’m missing what it is that you think is so unique about running game to run up in it.  Isn’t nearly every other man on the planet doing that same thing?  The question is……..can you get it without running the same elementary school game your drunk uncle Charles ran on his women back in the day?  ANYBODY with a penis can gather a bunch of silly women on FB, but can you gather the same number of successful, accomplished men and garner THEIR admiration?

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About Jennifer

Jennifer Kelton

Jennifer Kelton CEO / founder Badonlinedates.com LLC is a Los Angeles native and a pioneer in the worldwide dating industry, investigating the game of love while providing encouragement and support since 2007, starting with the acclaimed dating book Don’t Use My Sweater like a Towel. An accomplished CEO, visionary and entrepreneur, Kelton’s work in the […]

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